Living with Anxiety

Anxiety is something that affects so many people these days.  And sadly, some of these people affected by anxiety or depression are people you would never have expected.  Most of the time, there isn't a look that you notice.  It could be the smiling, cheering dad at his sons ball game or the proud mother of her kids who just scored the lead role in the school play.  And it isn't just adults.  Kid's suffer with Anxiety and Depression as well.  The point is, you can't usually look at a person and know that they suffer from this.  

I have suffered with anxiety for many years.  And it took me a very long time to finally see my doctor about it.  Many family and friends weren't aware because I always put on a brave and happy face.  My son has always been a big help to me too.  Being his mother has always made me extremely happy so that helped me a lot with mine.  But at night, when he would be tucked in his bed, that is when my anxiety would crush me.  So what caused mine?  Well, even as a young girl I struggled with my self esteem.  I was always the chubby girl.  Never had the little boyfriends like all my other peers.  I was awkwardly shy.  I was made fun of for not being the cool popular girl.  So I guess you could say that is where my problems started.  

It didn't really get better as I got older.  In high school, I played soccer and had choir.  Other than the few friends I had with both choir and soccer, I just did my thing and was glad to go home at the end of the day.  I have always been close to my family.  Home was a safe haven.  When I got into my senior year, I went through my rebellious stage.  Yes, I know all teenagers do it.  But looking back on it now, I can see it for what it really was.  I hoped that I would find happiness with some of these new friends.  Maybe find love.  But that was never the way to go about it.  It just caused more heartache than anything.  

When it came to dating, well I never had any luck with that.  I was never the prettiest or skinniest girl.  Guys always had this type, and I was NEVER it.  So just like when I was a young girl, I felt like the ugliest girl in the group.  No one ever gave me a second glance.  Skip ahead a couple years and I was married and had my beautiful son.  My marriage was doomed from the get go.  I went through a lot of emotional and mental abuse with that.  On top of already having anxiety and a very low self esteem, well I had hit a new low.  Several years later, I was a divorced mother doing my best to raise my son.  

I have struggled with my weight since I was a small girl.  And in 2015, after struggling for so long, I finally decided to get help with it.  I had a gastric sleeve and it helped me so much health wise.  But you know, it never helped me mentally as far as my self esteem went.  I looked in the mirror and still seen the 260 lb woman who was told how ugly and fat she was.  Dating still was hell for me.  I use to think that men just wanted skinny women but even after losing weight, all the guys I talked to seemed to have issues with being faithful and they loved their party life more than they wanted a happy relationship.  So I gave up on it.  But it took a toll on me.  And after so many years of trying to ignore it, I finally broke down and went to see my doctor about my anxiety.  I had so many sleepless nights where I just laid in bed and would fall apart wondering what was wrong with me.  No one likes to think or even admit they have a problem, but I needed to get better for my son and myself.  

I got the help I needed and started to journal daily.  I started struggling with my weight during this time and I still am somewhat but I am trying really hard and I have done it once so I know I can do it again.  Remember that whole "gave up on a happy relationship" thing?  Well I did.  I stopped looking for love in all the wrong places as they say.  I stopped looking all together.  And then it happened.  When I wasn't looking and had all but given up, Luke came along.  You know they say the best things happen when you least expect it.  Well, that is true.  I wasn't expecting this.  He manages to put up with me and I am very thankful for that. Do I still have trouble with my Anxiety? The anwer is yes.  You never just GET OVER IT.  You just learn to find ways to handle things easier.  You find what works for you. My son is obviously a big help with my anxiety.  When I have a panic attack, I look at him and he calms me down.   Luke has been a big help for me as well.  Having someone I can just talk to when I have a tough day, someone who doesn't judge me, well that is a big help. Being with someone who goes out of their way to show you they care can really turn your life around.  I pinch myself often when I think about how happy I am.  I also have a handful of girlfriends that have always been there for me and of course my wonderful family.  They all get me.   

So remember, Anxiety has many faces.  Does the girl in the pics look like she fights battles in her head daily?  That's the thing, you never know.  So please be kind to others, and be considerate.  You have no clue what someone is dealing with in their own mind.

Matthew's Birthday Party

I am a couple weeks late!  Things have been super hectic since Little Man's birthday party.  His party was a blast!  He had a great turn out with plenty of family and friends.  His theme was Spongebob.  My child has loved spongebob since he was very little.  Of all the cakes he has ever had *even though he doesn't eat them*, the colors and figures on the cakes on Spongebob have been his favorite.  We did a little different this year.  Me and a friend of mine decided to make his cake this year.  We also did cupcakes.  The icing was homemade buttercream icing.  We had a big cookout with burgers and hot dogs.  It really was a great day.  He really enjoyed seeing everyone too.  I am still trying to wrap my head around him being 18 now.  

I know a lot people have always wondered why we do cakes even though Matthew doesn't eat them.  He loves the colors and the figures.  And you never know with this young man, he may grab a handful and eat it one day.  So if he ever decides he wants it, well it will be there. 

He got lots of great things this year.  Several movies, clothes, jammies, and gift cards.  McDonalds, Texas Roadhouse, and an Amazon one.  So I ordered him some more movies with that.  So needless to say he had an amazing party. Let's see what mischief we can get into now!

Happy 18th Birthday Little Man!

My little red haired, blue eyed baby boy turns 18 today!!!  Gosh where has the time gone??  It seems like yesterday when I got to hold him for the first time.  Yes, I have been ugly crying on and off all day.  He was in a great mood when I got him on the bus for school today.  And it is Friday so he can chill and do whatever he wants the rest of the day.  I am having his birthday party on Sunday!  There may or may not be some ugly crying going on then as well.  He will be surrounded by so many people who love him that day and he will eat it up! 

I sit and think about all the things that the doctors thought he wouldn't do.  Heck some even said he wouldn't survive his birth.  Well look at him now! He is healthy and happy and that is all that matters to me.  When he comes home from school today, we are going to go over and visit with Mamaw and Papaw.  They have been on vacation so he hasn't got to see them for a few days.  We will probably end up getting something to eat.  Just going to plan a lazy evening with family for his birthday!!  Tomorrow will be a busy day of birthday preporations.  We are doing a first this year.  I wanted to make his 18th birthday party special so we are going to make his cake and do cupcakes this year.  Also grilling out too.  It will be a fun filled day with family and friends!  He will love it!  Well that is it for now!  I will do a post after his party!!  

Never a dull moment!

Today I had to go to Matthew's school for his yearly IEP meeting.  I always enjoy them because I love hearing how Matthew is doing and things he is improving on or things we need to work on more.  The staff there are all so good to him and work so well with them.  His teacher showed me some pictures of him giving hugs to people.  Like I mentioned in the last post, Matthew is a very loving little boy.  He loves to hug!  Anyways, back to the IEP meeting.  So his teacher told me a hilarious story on Matthew today!!  🤣  Matthew gets time on the iPad as a reward at school.  One day, his teacher gave him one of the tablets to use.  A short while later, she checked her online banking and noticed some purchases from Amazon.  Several of them.  She refreshed the page and even more purchases for Amazon showed up.  So she had to call and see what was going on.  Turns out someone had purchased over $200.00 worth of cartoons.  When she found out the cartoons, well needless to say she knew what had happened.  The cartoons were like, Finding Nemo, Carebears, all cartoons that my little man happens to love.  For those of you who don't know Matthew personally, well the kid is ridiculously smart.  He can work a tablet better than anyone.  So, Matthew racked up $200.00 in cartoons to his teacher!!!!  🤣🤣  Of course they fixed it and his teacher and everyone else has got a total kick out of it.  Leave it to my child!!!  I have laughed on and off all day over this.  We are definitely blessed with such great teachers, aides, and staff that work with Matthew daily.  And the kids!! Omg!!!  Sadly, I can remember when I was a little girl, how other children were cruel to the children with special needs.  They would laugh at them.  I know a lot of people are the way they are because they don't understand.  But I was terrified when Matthew started school.  Mind you, we had some issues when he was in elementary school.  But it wasn't because of kids.  But that is a story for another day.  But since he has been in high school, wow, everyone seems just crazy about Matthew.  We will be in wal-mart and I will hear someone yell "hey Matthew"! It will be other students from school.  Just makes my heart so happy.  There isn't anyone who meets this kid that doesn't fall in love with him.  So I just want to give a huge thank you to all his teachers, staff, and all his little friends who treat him so well at school.  It puts this mommy's mind at ease knowing he is cared for and that he enjoys school so much!

A little about me and mine!

Hmmm.....well, my name is Kimberly.  Most people call me Kim or Kimmie.  I answer to all of the above and some others! 🌝  I am 37 years old.  I have one child and one fur baby.  So two kids!  I am divorced and have been for 11 years.  Not single though!  I am very happily taken.  Wow that is nice to say.  I will go into that stuff more a little later.  Now just an intro.  I am a stay at home mommy.  I also do ceramics.  I love to do anything crafty.  And I am always trying new things when it comes to crafting.  But being a mother is the best thing about me. 

 I love kids.  If it would have been God's will I would have had several.  He blessed me with a beautiful red haired, blue eyed, little boy.  A very special little boy.  That's right, I am a mother to a special needs little angel.  I wouldn't change a thing.  Some people may think that is something strange to say but I wouldn't.  God gave this amazing child to me because he knew I could handle it.  He knew I would love that kid more than anything and always put him first.  And that is exactly what I have done for almost 18 years now.  Phew, makes me tear up that my little man will be 18 in a couple of weeks!!!  Said little man is currently laying in his bed watching cartoons.  He missed school today because his allergies are in an uproar.  I am currently being eyeballed by my "other kid", Master Bo. 

 I got Bo for Matthew 3 years ago.  He is a full blooded yellow lab pup.  He is the size of a mini horse.  They are best friends and both of them are sneaky little stinkers.  If Matthew doesn't want to eat what I make him, he takes it and gives it to Bo.  Bo is very gentle with him.  I think he knows he needs to be.  In the last 3 months, I have started letting Bo sleep in Matthews bed with him.  Talking about making them both happy.  

Back to little man.  When I was pregnant with Matthew, at first everything went well.  When I got a little later in my pregnancy, I began to have complications.  I was having a lot of trouble with my blood pressure and had been admitted in the hospital several times for observation.  Then when I was 36 weeks, my OB sent me to the hospital to have an ultra sound.  They were thinking we were going to have to deliver soon.  So we were thinking we were going to have a baby that day or be sent home to have him.  But that wasn't the case.  That day was one of the hardest days of my life.  

They did an ultrasound and didn't tell us anything while they did it.  Then they took us to another room to wait on the doctor to come in and talk to us.  I knew from the way they were acting that something was wrong.  A few minutes later, the doctor popped his head through the door and what he said would change everything.  "There is something wrong with your baby, but it will have to wait because I have other patients to tend too".  I burst into tears.  We had to sit there and wonder what exactly was wrong.  When he finally came back in, he told us that the ultrasound showed that our son had Dwarfing Syndrome.  There are many types of Dwarfing Syndrome he said, but it appeared my son had the kind that was fatal.  That if he lived through the birth he wouldn't live long.  My world crumbled.  This baby boy that I had prayed so hard for, that kicked me all hours of the night, may not survive.  Wouldn't survive if the Doctor was right.  He told me I would just have to wait to deliver.  Well after some heated words from my dad to the doctor, we left.  I wanted a second opinion.  I wasn't accepting this.  They scheduled me with some high risk doctors in KY.  So at 37 weeks, and a lot of worrying, tears, and prayers later, we were sent to UK.  The staff was amazing.  They did an ultrasound on me and they "thought" they seen the same thing but they said they were going to do everything in their power to help.  They admitted me that day and did a test to check to see if my baby's lungs were mature enough to go ahead and deliver.  They said they were worried they weren't.  50% and above would be considred mature lungs.  When the tests came back, my little angels lungs were 80% mature.  Now does anyone want to tell me prayer doesn't work?  God is good!  They induced me the next morning and when my miracle was born, he weighed 4lbs and 8 oz.  He was 17inches long.  And he didn't have Dwarfing Synderome.  He was in the NICU for 11 days and the genetics doctors decided they wanted to do a chormosome study on him.  When Matthew was 1 month old, he was diagnosed with Jacobsen Syndrome.  It is a chromosome abnormality.  There can be several things that go with Jacobsen Syndrome but once again, I was blessed that Matthew didn't have a lot of the things.  He had no heart defects.  No hearing issues.  He was small and it took us a little bit to get him caught up in his weight but he was precious and my miracle.  He never cried.  Was always smiling and he was spoiled by everyone!!!  Did I say God is good????  Well I will say it often.  When Matthew was 5 years old they also diagnosed him with Autism.  Did that slow us down?  Nope.  My child is amazing.  He is the most gentle and loving kid.  Even doctos are amazed at how well Matthew does.  Most children with Autism do not want to be snuggled or cuddled.  Matthew loves it! All that child knows is love.  I tried to raise him that way.  He is my life.  And like I said before, he will be 18 in a couple weeks.  The child the first doctors told me wouldn't survive is going to be 18.  So yea, God is good.  And there is power in prayer.  No one will ever make me believe differently.  

Well, I am going to wrap this up and get us all ready for bed.  Bo is about to lose his mind wanting to get in there in Matthew's bed with him. I hope you enjoy the post.  I will try to post weekly.  Like I said, I am new to this and I am really not sure what I am doing! 😊  

Hey, Hi, How are you? Welcome to my Blog!!!!

   

  Well,  I have been asked several times  to start a blog.  I have debated it several times and finally decided "why not".  What you may find on here??? Well that is a good question because I honestly have no clue!  I am new to this!  I figured just whatever comes to mind.  Should be interesting!!!  So welcome!!